A while back a Charlotte County Deputy — who shall remain nameless — told me about how he single-handedly cleared Englewood Beach of crime.
He got a call early one afternoon about a topless sunbather on Englewood Beach. Our deputy was a man dedicated to protecting and serving the good citizens of Charlotte County, so he anxiously set out on this perilous mission.
He arrived at Englewood Beach and had no problem locating the scene of the crime. Careful to keep a safe distance, he noticed that the perpetrator was well-equipped for her life of crime. His extensive training and Sherlock Holmes-like deductive powers led him to believe that the perpetrator was a career criminal. And how did he know that? Elementary my dear Watson — there were no tan lines.
Experience told him that he should not immediately confront the perpetrator. A period of intense surveillance would be needed — in case the criminal had any accomplices (hopefully).
After 20 minutes of scrutiny that you could only get from a dedicated public servant* — which I might add was some damn fine police work — our deputy concluded that the suspect was indeed acting alone and decided to take matters into his own hands. No wait, that didn’t come out right. He decided to make himself abreast of the situation. Nah, that doesn’t work either. How ’bout this: He decided to confront the perpetrator.
“Ma’am, you’re going to have to cover up. It’s against County Ordinance and State law to be topless at this beach.”
The perpetrator gave an icy stare that let everyone at the beach know that things were not going well for our deputy. “I’ll tell you what. If you order that man to put on a shirt,” and now she was pointing to an obese man in a Speedo with man boobs that had to be at least three times the size of those of the perpetrator. Kind of like Roseanne Barr with chest hair. “I’ll willingly put my top on.”
“I can’t do that. It’s not illegal for a man to be topless.”
“That’s your problem,” she answered,”which one of us is more offensive?”
And there, dear reader, is where I’m going to leave you. Trapped in a deep cesspool of morality and ethics. To ponder this great conundrum of universal truth.
_______________________________________________________________________________ *You may have seen dedicated DOT workers (I use the term loosely) who will stare at their shovels for hours on end with the hope, or maybe it’s fear, that it will start digging a hole by itself.